Internalized Misogyny and Women's Oppression
Women Make Up 50.5% of the United States, We Let This Happen
Are American women ready to face the reality of internalized misogyny? Perhaps the current political situation in the United States will be the catalyst. I had a higher awakening to the oppression of women with the 2016 election. I knew I had to do something. I suspect many people are now sharing this awakened view of women’s status in America, and how it is harming us, and even killing us.
For the past 6 years, I have been writing a book on internalized misogyny. I have read more than 800 research papers and countless books. My research has synthesized to point towards a science-backed clinical mental health solution to healing from the impact of sexism, misogyny, and internalized misogyny. The method will be presented in my upcoming book.
The current political situation has made me realize it is time to speak up more broadly. America needs this information and a path of hope to change what many people see and do not know how to fix.
In my speaking engagements and professional interactions, many people across the gender spectrum have encouraged my work. For reasons that point to my research, I have not been surprised that black women, and lesbians, are especially supportive. They get it. They are not in denial about how patriarchy is an oppressive force. They have read Bell Hooks and Andre Lorde.
White men are the dominant and privileged group in patriarchy. All men are privileged by patriarchy over all women. Notice that America elected a black male president. We were willing to do that. We seem unwilling to elect women, even those with incredible qualifications. Yes, patriarchy harms men and their emotional capacities. However, patriarchal norms train women to turn the focus back on men, right where they want our focus. Isn’t that the aim of patriarchy? Yet, the harm to men is secondary to the main harm done, the oppression of women. Women have their work to do. We have a whole lot of work to do. We don't need to take on men's emotional labor.
White women are the main secondary beneficiaries of patriarchy. White women abdicate their value, power, and self as expected by patriarchy. By supporting patriarchy, by following the patriarchal norms, by remaining silent, by joining in the oppression of women lower in the patriarchal hierarchy, and by backing patriarchy, white women gain privileges. White women have the privilege of silence. Silence and submission are a safe bet for many individual white women to continue receiving benefits from the dominant group - men. Unfortunately, silence harms our collective. It is clear to me, that this has been a key factor harming women’s solidarity. All of this is probably mostly an unconscious process, ingrained inherited epigenetic survival strategies based on the oppression of women, even white women, for millennia. Many women with greater privilege may even deny the existence of misogyny or internalized misogyny. Women who perceive less sexism have more internalized misogyny. If you don’t see a problem, what is there to fix?
As much support as I have received, there has also been a dark side. By dark side, I refer to the adult woman as mean girls. I have come face-to-face with the women-to-women horizontal aggression, relational aggression, and attempts to hijack my expertise and covertly compete. The overt message is “We are all about love, softness, being nice, and equality.” With some and not all women, the reality is mean, cruel, passive-aggressive, not kind, covertly competitive, hierarchical, and nothing like authentic love. Reading, listening, and observing, I learned that it is a common experience for black women to have white women feel entitled to their work, taking credit for their work. This may happen when we do not properly attribute the expertise we have gained based on the expertise of black women. The main issue is that internalized patriarchy perpetuates the oppression of women.
While certainly not immune to internalized misogyny, women who choose careers in non-caregiving fields like business, law, or consulting have rejected some of the prescribed norms of patriarchy and may have less internalized misogyny than women that more fully buy into prescribed norms. These careers value women’s competency and agency, not just communion and caregiving. I saw this contrast in the amount of relational aggression I observed as I executed a career change and became a psychotherapist, a career in caregiving.
There is a women’s hierarchy of who gets to lead among women. I am not the most popular white woman, the richest, the youngest, or the prettiest. Although to some people I am white-presenting as my mom is English, my Dad is a Spanish-descent colonizer Texas Mexican, a Tejano. How dare I take credit for my 30 years of experience as a leader in a male-dominated industry, successful business owner, and global communications consultant who leverages this experience in my psychotherapy practice. Who am I to assert my expertise on this subject of internalized misogyny?
To be completely vulnerable and honest, writing my book has been slower than my original plan because of this dark side. This dark side has hurt. Some women have felt the need to put me in my place. I realized the very thing I was writing about was playing out as I emerged as an expert on this topic. What I was seeing as a result of internalized misogyny made me question if it would be hard to get mass support for what I know as my life purpose. I am going to do it anyway. I accept there will be more backlash as a result of the very things I write about – misogyny and internalized misogyny.
Saying all this has the potential to be perceived as aggressive towards women. Yet, that would be victim-blaming and something I am not doing. Internalized misogyny is a result of oppression. To heal from internalized misogyny, we need to name it and see it. I have come to a place of compassion towards women who act like mean girls. I realize that relational aggression is a symptom of internalized misogyny and internalized misogyny is a symptom of a millennia of oppression. We as women need to come together and heal together. To do this in ways that honor diversity and intersectionality, we need to heal the barriers to much-needed solidarity.
Misogyny, sexism, and racism, result in identity-based trauma. Identity-based traumas impact us in many ways including our self-esteem, self-compassion, and self-worth. The harm to women is well documented. There is solid evidence of the mental health issues related to this trauma and not it impacts rates of depression, anxiety, and PTSD. There is also harm to our physical health.
Many women support other women and do not engage in relational aggression. Many women proactively support, uplift, and give appropriate credit to other women. Some women who see themselves in this category of women who support women may lack self-awareness of the underlying reasons they connect, or support specific women and engage in relational aggression towards others. It has been my experience that many women with higher levels of empowerment, patriarchy-aware women who in many ways reject submission to patriarchal norms already resonate with what I present and distill with my Woman Informed work. Those women have expressed to me that they see the need for related change in our culture as a critical path to equality for women. There is a way out. There is hope. There is a more authentic, and healthy, way to love and be in relationships. The internal work of dismantling internalized misogyny is critical for women's progress.